The call came from our fertility clinic. I didn't realize that all important fact until the voice on the other end said they were calling from said doctor's office. The friendly woman wanted to find out when I had given birth and all of the details (weight, length, etc.). Apparently my doctor wanted to follow up, but I think I know better. Statistics are important, I realize, but it was alarming how quickly I felt reduced to a number. They did ask about my daughter's name, and told me to send pictures, but I somehow hung up the phone feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Some tears rose to the surface, and my throat closed up ever so slightly. I just have trouble glancing at that pain over my shoulder.
You see, as wonderfully as things have turned out for us, deep inside there is a hint of the once all too present panic. Where do we go from here? You should know that I am not anywhere near itching for another child at this moment. Eisley fills my heart and my days with happiness that is not able to be captured in writing. But having been on the other side, I know what lies out there. It sort of feels like a circling shark. The uphill battle to get to where we are now does not consume me as it once did, but the uneasiness interjects in just the smallest little increments. The thoughts push their way in, but I will continue to play defense to block them out.
I think looking at this little being helps ever so slightly...
7 comments:
Ugh, that totally sucks. Well not totally, I mean you do have those delicious fingers and toes to nibble on and cheer you up. ;)
You'll get through it, it might take a little defense as you said.
It will probably take a while.You went through a lot. That picture is so beautiful!!!
Well, Isn't that special!
So glad that you have that beautiful lil girl to help ease the pain
i got that same call shortly after my DD was born (from the same clinic), and it left me feeling much the way you describe feeling. it was a bitter pill to swollow.
i'm so glad you have your precious little girl to balance those feelings. she is just gorgeous...and scrumptious :-) heck with the fingers and toes...go straight for those squishy little cheeks (post bath, of course :-)
oof.
I'm sorry Courtney, but that just reveals how deep the pain of infertility goes. I hope the next days are better days until IF fades into the past.
XO
Pam
I'm sorry about the call. I guess they have to have the information, but it seems like maybe they could find a more compassionate way to get it.
Eisley is beautiful.
Matthew M. F. Miller says: Being infertile isn't something you'll ever leave behind because it's a part of you now. You are a survivor, though, and that's what will make it easier for you. I know that's how I feel at least. Just because we're pregnant doesn't mean we're no longer infertile.
Now we're just lucky.