It is the eve of her first birthday. The 'her' that I never imagined possible in my life. And how am I reacting to this milestone we are about to celebrate? I'm digging my heels staunchly into the ground and waving my arms about wildly, screaming out that, "I'm just not ready for this!"
Frankly, I'm not quite ready to have a one-year-old. I'm not ready for her to cruise on into toddlerville, leaving behind the long gone baby days. Sensitive emotions have bubbled up when trying to find my child the most perfect first birthday card.
Could this really be happening already?
So soon??
It seems as though the catalyst behind these feelings I am experiencing is infertility. Actually, I assume not wanting your child to grow up too quickly isn't anything out of the ordinary for most, but the depth of the emotions is what I attribute to IF. The further we creep from July 30th of 2008, the closer I inch back into the land of 'what happens next' and that leaves me wondering if we can (or even will) endure this journey again.
I guess having that little one snugly wrapped up in your arms temporarily takes away the want to have a baby, because why would you want something that is right there in front of you? At least that is what happened for me. But when that baby grows and is busy independently exploring her world, there seems to be a great deal of time to dwell on the matter.
Determined not to let these thoughts cloud the birthday fun that is planned for the next few days, I need to stow this away for another time and focus on the joy at hand. That being said, this was just something that I needed to get off my chest before moving on to the positive.
Check.
3 comments:
It is a bittersweet moment, but there is something rewarding about seeing your baby grow up. Happy Birthday, beautiful girl!
We wished time away for so long - so that treatment would be over and our babies would be here.
And then we knew we had to savor every second, yet time still slipped through our fingers.
It's so sweet to see where they came from and all they have in front of them. But it's so hard knowing that those days won't be again, and because of where we came from - there's no certainty there will be more like them.
Happy birthday!
i completely know what you mean. it is such a bittersweet time, and it is really hard to contemplate what it means for your IF journey. one positive : going through IVF (for me) while caring for an active toddler was actually EASIER than going through IVF while i had all kinds of time to worry, obsess, and freak out about my treatments. that said, it was still a HUGE roller coaster of emotions, but they weren't as overwhelming b/c i was busy taking care of the bug. also, watching my daughter grow and change on a daily basis gave me the strenght to get through whatever was going on with my treatments/cycle b/c it reminded me of how worth it it all was.
thinking of you!
-lori