It seems as if these days our home is full of transition. Eisley is going through a major stage of growth and development, and naturally that entails change. Just yesterday, I was busy sorting and boxing up clothes that are too small for her. I have done this already a couple of times, but in addition to clothes, there are other items that are making their way into the storage pile. A blanket here, a nursing pillow there. I also have all of my maternity clothes just staring back at me, waiting to be put away. The weight of it all is starting to make the tiniest dent in my heart.
Looking through all of these gently worn, yet very tangible items of this experience is making me wonder about our future. Will I ever see these things again? Will there ever be a need to excitedly pull numerous boxes down from the attic in anticipation of another little one? I honestly don't know. While I am not in a great rush to find out, my mind is still taking its sweet time mulling over the idea. And what surprises me the most about it all is that, even letting my thoughts sway ever so slightly in the direction of adding to our family, it has me on the verge of an emotional storm.
Just when I have felt so strong and so healed in my body and accomplishments as a mother, just beyond that, there apparently are some residual gray clouds. I'm going to have to look away for now and return my focus to her. Maybe one rainy day I will revisit that place and weather the storm. But not now. My heart is so full, it just couldn't bear it.
5 comments:
Yeah, right around the 9 month point I started wondering about adding to our family, too. And I was so afraid of the IF mindset haunting me again. Somehow, I escaped it all shortly afterwards, but the not knowing what was to be gnawed at the edges of my peace until then. I really hope you don't have to fight another IF battle again, and that your family will feel complete, no matter what happens.
I had these thoughts myself. I still have these thoughts. In fact, I had to stop packing stuff up recently because my mind was perculating on things that my hormones could not handle. Good luck with transitions. They can be tricky.
Your post gave me chills. It's so bittersweet. Fantastic on the one hand that our girls are doing so well, growing so fast. But the ache of how hard it was to get here and not know what the future holds is still tangible and present.
The packing of boxes is so hard. Hopefully when and if you choose to have another it won't be as difficult.
And can I just say what a dork I feel like....it took me forever to figure out how to comment with this layout.
9 months after livie was born was also the start of these thoughts for me. i hope you find peace one way or the other. i recommend sniffing eisley's head, holding her tight, and listening to her laugh - great medicine for what ails your heart.