So here I am! After enjoying a wonderful two week escape from ttc reality, I have been gently returned from la la land and deposited into life as it was before I left. We couldn't have asked for a better vacation and even though we weren't technically 'trying', we did manage to get in a few well timed sessions. Now I am left with the great vacation memories, the numerous pictures, and the 'what ifs' of the two week wait.
My transition back into everyday life was going so well until this afternoon. That is when I got the email. The content of the email stating another girl is pregnant. Shit.
So I sound just a little bitter. I am okay with bitter. Bitter keeps me from breaking down and letting the tears fall. I am tired of crying and I am utterly exhausted with worrying about who is next. Which direction will the next announcement come from? I might just break my neck trying to find out.
While I really do want to be happy for her, I just can't right now. I think this one has been the lowest blow for me, and it will take me a moment to get off the ropes and back on my feet. This news comes at a time when I am preparing to learn how to inject myself with all kinds of fun things (didn't make the class before my trip) which just brings home the fact that we still have not reached our goal.
That ever elusive goal seems to be possible for everyone else but us. While I know that is not anywhere close to being true, that many are in the same boat as we are, my heart and soul are caught in this moment and place. I think before going to bed tonight I will look over some of our trip photos and try to move my heart and soul back to the place I was at before 11:00 today.
4 comments:
Glad you enjoyed your two week escape! Welcome back. Post your photos!
Sorry you had to hear from Ms 'I talk about all things pregnancy related all the damn time'. I know how annoying and insensitive those people could be.
Teamwinks described our bitterness well:
Just understand that with that happiness for you comes a certain amount of pain for me. When she calls you mommy and runs to you with her arms up, I have to push down the tears with every fiber of my being. I want to some day be somebody's mommy. I want my child to run to me with their arms up. So, it's not of malice that often makes infertile women so knotted up inside. It's that they wish that they could have what you have. They wish that the pain they had inside would disappear. They also wish that they could feel pure bliss for other mothers, not just happiness mixed with frustration and envy.
No need to explain the bitterness. It's well understood.
Welcome back! Sorry about the email, but bitter is really ok. It's how you cope, how you don't let your heart break every single time you have to talk to her.
Hoping you can get back to that peaceful vacation place - though I know it's hard.
I have gotten that e-mail 4 times in the past year. Bitter is a good way to describe it!
Glad you are back! Blog Land missed you!
I'm so sorry she had to announce the pg with such poor timing. I'm sorry your vacation bliss couldn't spill over into today.
I'll be thinking of you and the injectables and hoping it goes smoother and easier than you might anticipate.