Today is the eve of testing day. I am not sure what to feel. I know that I would like to feel inflated with all of the hope in the world, but that is too risky. I have let the pin that is doubt slowly deflate my hopes, because that would be far easier than to just get popped in one instance with a negative test result.
There have been some symptoms, and then there have been the lack of others. I tested early on when I knew that hcg would still be present from the trigger just to see the elusive two lined test. Sad, but so damn true. I tested a few other times but have not seen anything. After Saturday I was out of tests, and out of patience, so I swore the things off until beta day.
I started having a little bit of spotting on Saturday that started out as red for just a moment before becoming brown. That continued through yesterday and I called the doctor's office to see what should be done. They have upped my dose of progesterone for the moment, and should be getting back with me today.
So here I sit. The last bit of waiting will be done over the next 24 hours. I have already arranged with my very flexible boss to take off the second half of the day tomorrow to deal with the results in private. I am hoping that a half day from work will be enough, but if things aren't good I might be homebound for the rest of the week.
My only consolation in all of this is that we did end up with 3 blasts to freeze, so I have another three chances to make this dream a reality. How difficult it has become to consider a possibility other than the repeated failure that we have experienced up to this point.
If there is the slightest, tiniest, most miniscule sliver of possibility out there that this could end with a positive result, please let it find its way to us. I need this. I want this. I live and breathe this.
Here I sit.
9 comments:
Aww! I will send lots of prayers your way. I'm working nightshift, so if you pray all day and I pray all night- we've got you covered!!
I'm hoping away for you - hoping that those 3 frozen blasts will have to wait a couple of years before they are put to good use.
And hoping that your dream comes true.
I want this so badly for you too. I anxiously await your results and hope they are big massive, high numbers!
I am thinking of you and sending every bit of hope and prayer I can muster. I can't imagine the suspense of it all. I'll be glad when tomorrow comes so you can at least exhale to some extent. And I'm praying it is an exhale of relief.
I have been sending alot of prayer requests for you. I know you want this, I want this for you to. I will send all the positive vibes to you until I hear other wise.
Oh man, the 2ww feels so much longer at the end! I will be thinking loads of good thoughts for you!!
I'm hoping for you and sending good thoughts your way.
I'm praying for your positive tomorrow.
I am holding my breath! I hope the news is good!!!!