Yesterday it was finally over. Today it is finally over. This cycle can now be officially considered a failure and we can move on. I say all of this after having a slight curve ball thrown at me on Thursday when I went for my second beta. It was a 12.
While only the day before feeling like I had come to terms with things, the hcg of 12 really drove a wedge in the momentum of my closure to this cycle. Having started with a 6 and then doubling to a 12 within 48hours - that is what you would normally be looking for in a viable pregnancy. But the numbers were just so low. I was instructed to continue staying off the meds which served a clear message to me that unless a small miracle occurred, the doctor just wanted this to go away because it wasn't good. I (like a dummy) felt compelled to buy some tests just to see a line. Something needed to provide me some gratification in all of this. I now am the proud owner of 2 positive tests, but both with the same empty meaning.
So on Friday my body started to rid itself of this phantom pregnancy and it continues on today. I am so thankful that our weekend is busy because it doesn't leave a lot of room for dwelling. Last night I drank beer, and this morning as I type this, I am drinking some coffee. I am letting the vices slip in for a moment to help me cope with this demise.
The end of this cycle has definitely been interesting, but not necessarily in the way I would have liked. I guess I have to remember that IF removes all luxury of planning, scheduling, and most importantly...choice. This is not my choice. This is not anyone's choice.
11 comments:
I am so so sorry. I hope you are able to keep yourself busy, which always does wonders for my psyche when something terrible happens. Don't feel too bad about letting some of those vices slip back in for now...you're entitled.
I'm really sorry. I'm glad your body is beginning to do what it needs to do, and I'm glad you are enjoying the things you couldn't just a few days ago - beer and coffee.
I hope the next attempt is THE one.
I am sorry. The roller coaster ride of IF is tough and definitely not a choice. If only....right.
I hope that you are able to put this behind you very soon and move on to a very successful cycle.
Sendin you my thoughts and prayers
I'm so sorry, but I'm also glad for the closure. I know limbo is exhausting.
I am so glad you can now move on to what will hopefully be the end of this tired road.
Ugh, I can't even imagine how awful this is for you. To get that positive and then not... I'm so sorry.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. The pain of IF is just unbearable sometimes.
Please know that you are not alone in your journey. You have people cheering for you, praying for you and hoping for you.
Take care of yourself and your H. You deserve a little extra love.
Tarah
I'm sorry you are going through it. Let the vices make you feel better. That's what I do when a cycle ends. I am proud of you for looking forward.
I'm so sorry. It's just so unfair to go through this.
hugs and drugs. you get both from me. name your drug of choice. a nice blanc?
I am so saddened by this and so very sorry. How cruel to have your beta double? That's just not fair. Hugs to you.