Crap. Has this cycle really been going on for 61 days?
I did another hcg test yesterday morning and I am back to a 6. Patience is really hard to maintain when you are just waiting for something to end. I am ready to move forward and focus on another cycle. Another challenge.
Randomness....
My husband is out of town and so I am a party of one (well, 1.2 if you want to get technical) for the moment. I miss him terribly already.
On Friday of last week I had a co-worker tell me that she had a dream about me and that I was pregnant. I drew in a sharp breath and could only reply with, "well now that isn't such a bad thing". What I really wanted to tell her was to make sure she told me if she ever had that dream again. Again, on a technicality she is, was correct.
In all of this I find myself pondering my purpose in life. I haven't really come to a conclusion, but if any of you have any ideas send them my way. I am just feeling a bit lost.
I guess that is all for now.
8 comments:
I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this but I am so relieved to see your numbers dropping appropriately on their own. I hope your next test is very negative and you can move on. It is grueling to wait for it to drop when it is so low. I totally understand.
((HUGS)) Treat yourself to something special tonight....it is well deserved.
I feel lost too. I wish I had ideas that could make you (and me) feel found. I hope that you find the answers soon.
I know it is not the same, Eric works nights, and i find myself staring at the tv pretending he is watching it with me sometimes. Sending you hugs
Lost is a frustrating feeling, but it makes finding your way so much better in the end. I do hope you find balance to the disappointment of this cycle very soon. I hope the next time is IT, and I hope your wait to the next time is as short as possible.
I'm glad the hCG is beginning to drop. I'm hoping by your next check it will actually be over and you can start to find your way.
I'm really sorry that Nicholas is away right now - it's a tough time.
Again, I am so very sorry.
As far as finding the purpose in life...I'm not sure there's a real way to know. During our four years of trying, I pondered that question many, many times. I'd tell myself "Maybe I'm MEANT to adopt children"..."Maybe I'm not MEANT to be a mom at all"..."Maybe there's another purpose for me I haven't found yet". I have determined that it just doesn't work that way. I think everyone is given major challenges in life....some have children easily and yet end up leaving them early due to cancer...some have a houseful of kids and live with an abusive spouse. When I looked at all of those pregnant women or women with a gaggle of children, I have to remind myself that their life isn't any more perfect than mine. I wish I hadn't had to endure the challenge of infertility, b/c I think it's a really tough one, and I am VERY sorry you are going through it now, but I think that in the very end it will teach us something (I have to believe that), whether it makes us more appreciative of our children when we finally do get them or whether it strengthens our faith, which is what I think I gained and am still gaining from our infertility. I have faith that one day your dream will be fulfilled and you'll finally understand why this was your struggle.
Just remember that when you feel your most lost you're likely headed in the right direction. Because really, there's no one way to get to your destination.
Hope you find some strength and peace very soon.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this alone at the moment. I hope the beta goes back to zero very shortly so you can get some much needed closure.
Sending lots of love your way.