* * *
My husband was asked to speak at a meeting in a city close to our own, so given that we are not currently bound to doctor's appointments or medical treatments, we decided to make a weekend of it. I booked a room at a resort just outside the city we were traveling to and it turned out to be a wonderful time for the both of us. For a moment in time we were able to feel as we did before IF invaded our lives. We were a couple, but one that was okay with seeking refuge at the 'adult pool', away from the splashing and reminders that could be found at the children's pool. We drank wine and indulged in the big box coffee company that was set up in the hotel. It was really so nice and we both felt renewed.
* * *
I only wish that I could have bottled up that feeling to take with me wherever I go. After settling back into our routine this week, I find myself getting upset easily and often. It hurts. The loss hurts. Unsure if I have been subconsciously rationing out the pain from our failed cycle, I am worried that at any minute my apparently well organized psyche will fracture and I will receive a bigger dose of hurt than I can handle. Well, that I can handle publicly anyway.
So now I am left with the 'why'. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I be planning out the next several months in terms of our baby on the way? Why do I have to seek out moments in private to let the tears spill? Why do I feel at times like there is a lead weight in my chest? Why do the happiest of times seem so short lived? Why?
I do have the picture above of us from our little weekend getaway, and this is as close to a bottle that I can get. Hopefully I can look at this while trying to figure out all of those questions that I long to have answers for.
9 comments:
Very cute picture....
I wish we could sit down together over some wine, and just vent--we have been through similar feelings lately, and I too wish I could take the :vacation: feeling with me wherever I go--so I dont feel SO defeated.
I continue to think about you and wish you peace....
Oh sweetie, I hope that your spirits lift soon. Do something nice for yourself. I am glad that you got to go away. I think that is so important. It does suck that the good moments are too short. Take care of yourself.
Courtney, I wish you didn't have to ask why, especially since no one really has the answer. And I think it is healthy to grieve for your past cycle. It should have worked. It almost did. It is so frustrating to be caught in the in between of a failed cycle and a fresh one. I hope AF comes soon so you can move forward, and hopefully not have to ask why beyond this cycle.
You look beautiful in your picture.
I'm glad you and DH were able to get away from the stress, even if it was just for the weekend. We all need that once in a while.
The loss will always hurt. I find that 2 years after my first loss, it still haunts me. I have no answers as to why we lost them. Sometimes I think that if I knew why I'd have closure. But then again, it wouldn't bring them back.
It is just so hard. I wish you didn't have to be here. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))).
Gotta say - nice pic! It's interesting how we picture people and they look very different:-)
Re the vacation, we do the same now. We avoid the kiddie pool and kiddie areas and indulge in more wine. Sometimes you need to just escape it, even though it's never a real escape. Hang in there. I hope it gets better for you.
I don't know if that is a dress or a top, but I LOVE it! YOu guys are so cute!
AREN"T YOU TOO CUTE!!!!!!!
Courtney, I am sorry you are full of whys and hurtfulness. I am thinking of you
I wish there was something I could say to help ease the pain and confusion. If I ever find the answer, be assure I will share!
I'm so glad that you had some fun time together. I hope the picture works as your bottle so you can open it when necessary.
Mmmm...wine and relaxation. Sweet!
Good looking couple! I love spending quality "couple" vacations. We all need to get away at times. We deserve it.