Friday I went and had my spa treatments and just spent some time with me. I ate lunch alone, I laid by the pool alone, and in all of it, tried to set free some of the burdens that have been hanging on for way too long. The day was really wonderful, yet emotionally charged.
Prior to heading off to spoil myself I had to run some errands. I went into a store that was overrun with mothers and children. I ended up in the checkout line behind a woman with two adorable little ones, and in overhearing her conversation with the cashier learned that she has two additional children in school. That woman gets done, and then guess what? The depressed infertile woman who can't relate approaches the counter. The cashier starts talking about what a blessing children are and how her mother had 6 children, and was "tough as leather". I honestly don't remember what else she said because I started doing some focused breathing to get me through the exchange.
While at the spa, my therapist started talking to me about trying to conceive (why did I check that box off on my paperwork???). She very kindly told me about an infertility workshop that they have, but also informed me that "my time will come soon". Don't be so sure lady. The therapist also asked if my husband liked going to spas and I told her that was a lukewarm thing for him. I did say that I might try to bring him along next time, and she said "well you know sometimes people go somewhere for a weekend, and then guess what?". Yes lady, I know what you are going to say so please just save it. Not hearing my internal thoughts she proceeded, "they end up pregnant just from going somewhere and relaxing". At this point I again try to focus on my breathing so that I don't make a biting comment. I am full of biting comments these days and really they would like to jump out and cling to whatever ignorant soul is so deserving of them. I refrained however, and waited for the moment to pass.
Despite the various utterances, I managed to have a good day that served the intended purpose. And now I find myself in a slight quandary. Thoughts of the possibility of a life without children has filtered into my brain, and I am truly trying to feel that out. How would that be? What does it look like? I believe this is happening because I am feeling extremely removed from any and all procedures and potential solutions.
Today I helped host a baby shower for a friend. It felt like I did really well overall, but every so often I got caught up in the reality of being without. And later this afternoon...some spotting. I guess it is possible that before long we will be embarking on this journey again.
Focused breathing ensues.
8 comments:
hugs for you my friend
I know there is nothing to be said that can make you feel better for now. But I just want to tell you that I get sad when I read all the emotional turmoil you have to tolerate. Because I know that you and your husband are amazing people and have so much love to give and that when you do have a little one to give it to, be that from your own conception or another way, it will be the most beautiful thing in the world. And I cannot wait to witness that... because it will happen. You will be able to share that love soon enough. And I know it is impossible for you to be patient any longer, but I am waiting patiently and looking forward to the day it happens.
Ughhh- the dreaded journey. You are a strong woman. Hang in there girl.
Are you kidding me? She really said that if you just relax you'll end up pregnant?!?!
I expect that from my nosy neighbor, but not from a medical professional. That's just awful. I hope you kicked her. :)
I'm glad you were able to have a relaxing day. Hugs.
Keep breathing and hang on. Hugs to you.
sorry about the barrage of badly timed comments. They always seem to come at the most vulnerable moments, don't they?
Whatever you do this next cycle, I hope it is to move forward in whatever way feels best for you.
So glad you had the mental health day at the spa (minus the dimwit massage lady).
Keep breathing...and remember you have friends to walk with you-wherever those next steps take you!